Clueless

Have you ever felt the need to reinvent yourself, to find out who you are and who you want to be? Have you ever felt like you were good at many a thing but never too good at anything? Well, that is exactly how I've been feeling for a while now.

As a kid, when someone asked me, "What do you want to be when you grow up?", I would spontaneously respond, "I want to be a doctor!". Then and now, a majority of kids' answer to that question is the same. I'm not sure whether the idea was planted in my head by my parents or if it was something I came up with on my own.

Years passed; I was nearing the completion of my schooling. Having watched my brother who was studying to be a doctor, I decided it was not the right thing for me. I'm not the hard-working type. Neither am I very intelligent(my parents disagree, they say I'm just lazy). I never really had a profound fascination with the subject anyway, so it was easy for me to let go of the idea of becoming a doctor.

My other choice was engineering. I entered college with full intentions of developing an interest in engineering. But unfortunately, that did not happen. Over the four years, all I gained was good friends for life. Towards my final year, my parents asked me if I'd like to go abroad for my higher education. I did not like the idea of being away from home, so I said no. And they were okay with it. Just like how they were okay with me choosing to be an engineer instead of a doctor. They've always let me have the final say, never forcing me into doing anything I did not want to do. They wanted me to have my options though, so I took up a few competitive exams which I never prepared for in the first place. I don't know why, but they just didn't seem right for me. 

I've always let my parents make decisions for me, simply because I've never been able to decide anything for myself. To this day, I haven't found anything that I'm truly passionate about, and that worries me. I mean, isn't everybody supposed to have a dream? I envy those of you with a clearly defined aim in life.

I'm about to take up a job in a software company, having despised programming my whole life. Is this what I really want to do? As of now, I have no answer to that question. I promised someone that I will take the time at this company to figure out what I want to do with my life. And hopefully, I will.